It’s what I Sea.

its what i sea

I see myself in the sea,

the farther you look, the grayer we get.

Mystical hues paint the image I want you to see,

every stroke of the brush camouflaging the whirlpool within.

You may think you know me,

that thought by thought, ripple by ripple,

you’re sailing towards the eye of the storm, the very crux of me.

But the more you try, the more the sand on the shore will slip from under your feet.

Save yourself while you can,

let the waves crash your courage and elope with what’s left of you.

Take my hand, it’s all I have, for my heart belongs elsewhere,

I stand here today with a life jacket, but it’s not for you.

– Vrutti J* (@thatpaperdoll) & Shagun P* (@thedreamyjournal)

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Boundaries.


Before you learn to love, you’ve to learn to let go.

Love, a cruel sadistic game we humans love to play. 
Oh no, not just the romantic love, any emotion which moves your heart enough is love enough.

More people need to understand that. 

Letting go is to allow yourself to take a step back & look at the bigger picture, but without the one you love being in it. A heartache, isn’t it? 
You become somebody’s numero uno and yet, the fear of loss wont leave you. It never does.

Nobody wants to be left behind & yet we want to leave people behind all the time. 

Humans, are funny beings. 

They will want to express it, suppress it, but not say it. 

We learn so young that things like love, emotion, attachment and feelings aren’t supposed to be openly voiced. 

Why? For the fear or loss.

It beats me how we manage to spit the harshest words out & yet keep our most gentle ones only to ourselves.
Seriously, who made these rules? 

What are we afraid of, who drew up this boundary between the feelings you can and cannot express? Things you can and cannot say? 

The fear of loss is engulfing our hearts & yet not restricting us to go ahead & love someone, but oh, ofcourse with no strings attached.
For, the one who gets attached first loses, didn’t you know that?

The vicious cycle doesn’t stop.

I break your heart, you break somebody else’s &  somebody else breaks mine. 

Who wins a game built from on the substratum of broken hearts? 

Boundaries, some you cross, others you widen. Some you ignore, others you highlight. Some you draw, others you erase.

Who decides how much I am allowed to feel, how much I am allowed to voice what I feel & how much my boundaries will set me free?

Love and letting go are two sides of the coin you want to tuck away and never find, because oh,your soul needs to jump the boundary & know what it’s like, how maybe, the other side doesn’t just decide, when to love and when to let go on the toss of a coin. 

– ShagunP* @thedreamyjournal

Purpose, you ask?

1

 

Statement of Purpose.

Three words on an otherwise blank word document stared back at me.

The 4am silence around me amplified the quiet humming of my beaten up laptop but yet remained far from the chaotic thoughts running in my mind.
How was a 22-year-old supposed to have any purpose? How was a 22 year old supposed to determine what it was? How was a 22 year old to know where to look for any purpose ?
Sighing for the umpteenth time in the past 2 hours of staring at the screen, I gave up. “Deadlines are looming” I heard my mother’s voice in my head. Pushing it away, I put my laptop to sleep, even though I seemed to have lost mine.
Shutting out my mother and deadlines only opened avenues for me to go back to that conversation.
I was never meeting him again. So many questions raced through my mind, each mercilessly unanswered. I half smirked as I realised, it wasn’t like I was entitled to any, but why was I so bothered about it? When I signed up I knew what this was about, and a month later, today when clocked my last 8.5 hours as his intern I knew this was it.
He had been phenomenal as a teacher, more than a boss. There was so much to learn just from watching the guy work.
My stubborn mind started to throw guesses at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.
Columbia Alumni…
What was he thinking? He wasn’t!
How could he? He probably doesn’t know either.
It was COLUMBIA! Really? Stop with that will you?
But, how is it possible to decide? Its rare.
What about his goals? *no answer*
What about his dreams? *ermm*
How inspiring was this guy? Way more than going to Columbia would’ve made him.
Ok, enough.
My mind wouldn’t get tired, I knew. I dug out my phone from under my pillow.
*Online*
What? Why was he online? It 5:15am. Another question? Really?
I obviously didn’t want to type but once his online turned to typing I froze.
“Hi Arya, this isn’t your boss. You’d wonder why he was awake at this hour, he isn’t! This is Riya here. I have spent the night listening to him talk about you, your ambition to go abroad and study, just like him and follow his footsteps. Says he sees a lot of the younger himself in you. He told me everything about the conversation you two had today. He hasn’t really shared his reasons for leaving University with anyone, specially not an intern. And girl to girl, I knew you would be throwing whys and hows at yourself.
Damn woman, how did you know?!
We may probably never meet, but I only have to say, what he did was very brave, what he did was choose someone else over himself, what he said to you today was to give you a bigger picture.
A picture that doesn’t show the world revolving around what you want, as much as you want it to, life will not go the way you plan. There will be unexpected twists, decisions that are life changing and situations which test every shred of courage you have. Leaving behind his dream wasn’t easy, but not regretting the decisions you make is.
I don’t know what love is, if not having the ability to choose them over you.
How you come out on the other side, is all that matters. Luckily for me, it was to be his Mrs! Good luck to you. Love from both of us.”
Holding back tears, I could only write back,”Thank you for showing me that the one thing we can’t live without? That’s where our purpose lies. “
Needless to say, within minutes the laptop was humming again.
– Shagun P*

A Mother’s Words 

A Mother’s Words 

The froth from the freshly brewed coffee was bubbling while she lay it aside and with a swift movement, grabbed a hair tie from her wrist and wrapped up her luscious dark brown locks in a loose bun.
Sitting with her legs folded, fingers coddling a printed sheet of paper. Her furrowed brow still seemed to be contemplating the happenings from last night. Her eyes, although focused on the street outside, seemed to be looking for something that was far far away. 

Anybody who knew her, would know today wasn’t just another day. She didn’t have her regular copy of the daily newspaper folded to the Bollywood section, She wasn’t rummaging around the kitchen trying to gulp her coffee and try not to burn herself with the toaster at the same time, She wasn’t scrambling every drawer in sight to look for her watch and wallet. 
If you watched her every morning, you would feel dizzy with the speed and energy she went about starting her day. But today was different. Today she looked like she couldn’t decide what to feel. 

I had never seen her so quiet before. As she started to sip on her coffee, my mind went back to wondering what could possibly be troubling her? She was usually a woman of a lot of words, but today her silence was piercing the air between us, the apprehension was almost tangible.

 I loved lying here on the couch and looking at her. Specially when the sun played with her hair, turning them a few shades lighter. She was my best friend and my most favourite person in the whole world. She was also my personal definition of a beautiful paradox. I’m sure nobody knows her as well as I do, which is why I know today is going to be a day when she will need me the most, but she will also need me to be quiet and wait for her to be ready.

I couldn’t just stay there and do nothing, so I went to sit next to her, and softly touched her. As if she was being snatched from a long lost thought process that had engulfed her senses, she startled back into reality. She gave me a half smile, the kind I hated because it never touched her eyes to make them gleam and bit her lower lip and let out a sigh. 

She took a deep breath and picked up the phone and dialled, tapping her fingers on the table as she waited for an answer. 

“Mom? Yes it’s me. I needed to talk to you about something. Yes, I’m alright. No, Mom I’m not at home on a weekday because of feeling ill. Just…just hear me out” she managed to say as she rolled her eyes.

“Mom I’m…Just listen to me. I…don’t know why I’m not able to say it out loud yet, but Mom, it’s here. It’s a yes. Yes, yes I’m going to Berkeley.” She cringed and smiled slightly as the voice on the other side exploded with joy. 
“N..no mom. Ofcourse I’m happy. No, really. It’s just that I don’t know if I’m ready to go yet. Now that’s it’s in front of me” she said while glancing nervously at the printed sheet clutched tightly in her hand, “I can’t decide if I’m ready.”

They say mothers always know what to say, and I hadn’t seen that happen before but here, before my very eyes, I could see that the words her mother just said, had caused a head over heels change in her mood. 

“Yes Mom, and yes I’ll be down to see you today. She gave me sudden swift look, as if she had forgotten I was there and said, Yes, I’ll bring him too.” 

She got off the phone and directly made her way to the fridge in our kitchen, I was hoping she would get us something to eat but she didn’t open it. She loved writing on the white board she had stuck to it and titled “TheDreamyJournal” 

She took out the marker and began writing, 

“Find the thing you love the most, run behind it, run wild, run free, run with every ounce of passion you have inside of you. Along the road, there will be several twists and turns, the ones that will take you somewhere you don’t want to be and the ones that take you closer to where you do. There will be chances and opportunities and several newer memories. Don’t be afraid to take them and make them. Just because you grow, you are not leaving anything behind, because remember home is the only starting point you can come back to, at any time during the race and yet begin right where you left off, when you choose to run again. 

– Mom ” 

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, she bent down to pat my head and kiss me quickly before putting me on a leash, and together we left our apartment at noon. The sweltering 35 degree summer was burning down the city but today, she didn’t mind, and as long as she was smiling my favourite smile, neither did I. 

World Earth Day


I was still bleeding from yesterday’s wounds, the Axe had hurt, just like my brothers while breathing their last had said it would. 
I was scared to look around, afraid that my family’s massacre would break me down. 

As Mother Nature caressed my scars, she comfortingly whispered,

“Stay strong little one, there is still life inside you” 

But was it really worth holding on? I wondered. 

What was life without my family ? 

What good would to do to live and be traded one day for a notebook and pencil too? 

Unable to scream, unable to move, unable to flee, I let the tears roll down while I felt it all.

Helpless. Bare. Exposed. Scared. Alone. 

How many more families will have to be ripped apart, to satiate their selfish needs? 

And as if on cue, a discarded paper pamphlet flew across the road, getting caught in the wind and fluttering the words:

World Earth Day. 

Breathing my last, I just had to give up, this would never end, I knew. 

Notification from Irony

One small notification made the heart open the gates were locked ever so tightly.

How long has it been? asked the mind.

9 years.

And how long since…asked the heart examining it’s once broken scars. 

6 years. 

Last time you two met? Asked the teary eyes.

4 years.

But, interjected Facebook, ever so confused. 

It says here, 

“Friends for two years”

Denial

  
There are these phases, which make your mind swing from denial to acceptance and back. For weeks, their name will remain what you lovingly called them, because you think when you talk next, you’ll still call them that right?

There’s that favourite photo of them, as their contact picture, smiling up at you like nothing’s wrong, like nothing ever changed and yet, it’s been months since the photo popped up with an alert. 

A year may pass and your denial allows you to believe that the only thing that hasn’t changed is their name and photo on your phone.

So many times, on quiet summer nights when you’re alone, oblivious to their absence, you come across a photo, a status update, a quote, a book, a song and it hits you. 

A small pause instills realisation that it’s been more than a year so you decide to let your guard down and type that pet name on your phone and again, pops up the ever smiling photograph. 

As your fingers muster up the courage to type out a simple hello, your mind takes over the reins from your heart and the contemplating thumb ends up doing what it was supposed to have been done a year ago. 

Pet Name becomes Name-Surname and then before the photograph goes off, their smile snatches back the reins and fails your heart and mind both, while shaking your head at your own stupidity, you decide that the photograph can stay, maybe that denial is for another day.
– Shagun P*